Richard & I are coming to terms with the loss of Lilly. We have gone over in our minds every aspect of her care and condition over the past few days. Of course we will always have a bit of guilt about things we might have done differently, but we do know that those things would not have made any difference. Lilly passed on because she was ready.

We knew we would never cure her cancer. It was far too late for that by the time she came to us. The person that had her before us will have to live with that fact, and though I do not believe in a vengeful God I do believe in karma. We do not need to do anything more as that person will have to answer for what they have done to a higher power than us.

When Lilly did come to us, we had a small sliver of hope that there was something we could do. The tests and oncology consultation laid out the facts: we could never cure her but we might be able to buy her some time. Even with more time we knew that eventually a difficult decision would have to be made about easing her suffering. We started her on the chemotherapy thinking we might be able to arrest the cancer and buy her more time at her present condition. We were greedy – we wanted her to be with us for a while. However, it was ultimately Lilly’s decision. We know she did not suffer as she showed no signs of pain. But it was clear in the last few days that she was not happy. She refused to eat. At first we thought that it was just nausea from the medications and we could get past this. But as the days progressed she became weaker. There was still a bit of spark in her but we could see it fading. She was most content being held and stroked. She seemed genuinely happy lying against one of us – or even the other dogs. She seemed at peace.

While we desperately wanted to “fix” her and were trying to think of ways to do that, she made up her mind that she did not want to go down that path. She was ready to go. She quietly slipped away from us Friday night. By the time we realized she was leaving and started to take her to an emergency vet, it was too late and she was gone. She died quietly in my arms as we were driving. She knew. I know she knew. She knew what we were going to do and she did not want it. She wanted to go on her own terms in her own time. And she did just that. Later that night Cindy & James came over to say goodbye and we talked about Lilly. We agreed that Lilly probably knew best. Had we seen her through this crisis, we would only be delaying the inevitable. And given the state of her cancer, her end would probably be one that nobody would wish for. Lilly, in her infinite wisdom, knew better than any of us. She knew she would rather go out while she was free from tubes and machines and large amounts of drugs. So she made the decision now, so that it would not have to be made for her later. She went quietly, peacefully, surrounded by those that truly loved her.

We have made arrangements for Lilly to be cremated and returned to us. We have chosen an urn which will go on the mantle beside Alfie. She will be home where she belongs.

Robbi